I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
