living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Randomize
