How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
