Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
