I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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