Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
