Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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