FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
