Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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