I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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