Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
