dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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