I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
