Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
