i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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