he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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