I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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