hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's always time for handjobs
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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