I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
