i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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