rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
