Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
