i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.