someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
