if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
