I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
