Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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