I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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