the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
