smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
