My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
