It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
