one word: firstdatebathroomanal
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
