I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
