Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was confusing and full of hummus
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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