I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He? As in you personified your dick?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
