She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
