I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
