I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You may now shotgun with the bride
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
