Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
