I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
