My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
