I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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