Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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