did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
