You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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