I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i believe in u and ur pee