why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
