You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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