He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
