i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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