He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
