Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
