My Higher Power is John Stamos
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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